Untitled

I wanna know

I wanna know what it feels like to have your fingers trace up and down the skin of my back.
I wanna know what it feels like to rub my hand threw the short rough hairs on your chest.
I wanna know what it feels like to have the weight of your body on top of mine.
I wanna know what it feels like to have your breath tickle the nape of my neck, with your arm wrapped around me as we sleep.

I wanna know what it sounds like when I touch the spot your ticklish at, even though you told me you didn’t have one.
I wanna know what it sounds like when we have long meandering conversations at 2:17 in the morning cause neither of us can sleep.
I wanna know what it sounds like when you tell you love me.

I wanna know what it’s like to have you all to my self with no interruptions

My process of falling in love

                So here’s the deal.  I’ve been dating this guy for close to a year now, and I’m starting to feel like I’m falling in love with him. Yea right!?!? I should be singing from rooftops, shooting out rainbows and fireworks.  But I’m not, why you ask? Well its not because he’s not a good guy, cause he is.  Funny, intelligent, can cook way better then me, sarcastic as fuck, and we always have a good time together.

                 But one of the problems is FEAR. Fear of opening up myself to him in that way, laying my heart on the line in front of him, just for him to reject me completely or worse yet just shrug his shoulders and say “O.K.”.  I so badly want to open up completely and be vulnerable to him, cause I feel that’s one major way for a couple to get closer together and understand each other better.  I’m afraid that he won’t want that from me, and won’t do the same in return.  Which brings me to my other problem, the more I examine my feelings for him, the more I get the sense that maybe I’m only falling in the love the just surface levels of who he is.  Not that I’m superficial, and don’t want to get to a deeper level, it’s the totally opposite, I want to fall in love and be in love (cause falling and being in love are two different things) all the facets of who he is, good, bad, and some of the ugly.

                  It’s hard to be in a relationship and try building a better one with someone that emotional has their guard up. It can be a difficult balance of push and pull, you want them to open up to you, and be vulnerable with some difficult things about their life.  But most importantly to me, and what I want more than anything else is that I want to earn that trust.

                 From my perspective, it’s like there is this huge brick wall surrounding a complicated labyrinth that leads to those deeper parts of himself.  Believe me when I say I would live to take a fucking wrecking ball through that wall and a weed whacker 3000 to those dame hedges. But I can’t; it defeats the whole purpose and WILL ruin the relationship.  I can’t bulldoze my way into his heart, he has to take those bricks down and take me down a guided tour through the labyrinth that is his heart and soul. For my part in this process I have to sit patiently outside and wait for the day the wall comes down, a day that may never happen with me.  Because I have to realize that I may not be the one that I may very well be going through this whole falling in love business by myself. I could very just be the cool, funny and slightly neurotic chick he’s dating for a little while and not someone that he wants to go deeper and more emotional connected with.

 

 

this is my baby

Just another Sunday

 

 

“What the fuck!”  Mike said as he shot up, cause of the alarm clock ringing in his ears.  He was half asleep as he tried to turn so he could reach to the hit the snooze button.  But his girlfriend Angel beat him to it.  She returned to her position of lying across his chest.

“Sorry honey I forgot to turn it off from yesterday.  She said yawning with both eyes still closed.

“What time is it? “

“Um I think I had it set it for 8:30, I had to go in early yesterday.”

“It’s Sunday right?”

“Yea” Angel laughed a little “yea it’s Sunday.”

            “OK” yawned mike as they both fell back to sleep.

            Ring! Ring! “Oh my god what is it now? “

            “I got it, I got it, go back to sleep.” Angle as she crawled in bed towards the phone.

            “Fuck it I’m up now.”  Mike said as he pushed himself up in bed to see the clock on Angel’s side of the bed, 10:23.  “Oh well” he said to himself. “I got shit to do anyway”.

            “Hello! Hello!” she said waiting for who ever was on the other end to say something, but now one did.  “God I hate it when people do that!”  As she turned to see Mike throwing on some clothes to go walk their dog, or should say her dog, being that it is the dog he got her as a gift for Christmas last year.  Even though Chris is her dog, Mike walks him in the mourning, because he knows she likes to get her sleep, especially if she worked early the day before.

“Look at the caller ID, cause I wanna know who woke me up again” Mike said giving her a look of annoyance, being that she woke him up the first time.  As he put on his vans sneakers.

“You want something to eat sweetie?” Angel said with a sarcastic tone in her voice and with an I don’t give a fuck you look in her eyes.  Her eyes, God!  He loved her eyes.  He would tell her that all the time that they were the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen.  The first time he saw her on the F train he didn’t really notice her to much.  She was on the full figured side, and Mike was never really into plus size girls, but when their eyes met he changed his way of thinking. They’re a sexy almond shape, and they have this beautiful shade of brown, but in the summer time when sun hit them, they changed to hazel almost. 

“You know what I like”

‘Too easy’ she thought to herself.  ‘That one is just too easy’.  “Alright, no problem.”  Angel said as she got out of the bed naked.  She never really liked to wear clothes to bed in the summer time, she only did that when the air conditioning was on high at night. The fact that she was naked at night did not bother him at all, she was about 5’6” and had a nice curvy hourglass figure. So she put on one of his NYPD t-shirt, and made her way to the kitchen.

“Thanks” Mike said as he gave a quick kiss on the lips.  “Love you” he said as he made his way to the door with Chris.  Mike liked to say I love you to her whenever he was getting ready to walk out the door. He was a cop and in his line of work he never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next, so he felt like that he needed to say it just in case.  But Angel liked to tell him she loved him all the time anyway.

“OK, love you too.” She bent down and talked to their dog.” Bye sweetie give mama a kiss.” Angel giggled as Chris gave her a kiss on her lips.  She stood up and locked the door behind them after they left.

 Twenty minutes later Angel was finishing making breakfast while Mike was sitting at the table drinking the coffee she made for him.  Pancakes, eggs and some bacon.  Angel always said to him that her mom would hate it when she made pancakes, cause to her they were always so thick.  But Mike loved them, he thought they were perfect.  He was reading the Sunday paper while sipping the fresh cup of coffee that Angel made for him.  Angel hated coffee in any form, she hated the smell, taste, and she hated anything that had coffee flavor.  But she always made it for him because she knew he loved it, that and the eggs she made.  He liked to make fun of her and her food “issues”, as he liked to call them, which was true for the most part.  Like the fact that she loved cheese but could have it on a hamburger, or any other place other than a ham and cheese or a grilled cheese sandwich.  Mike smiled to himself the more he thought of it.  But that was his girl, food “issues” and all, and he wouldn’t want it any other way

“What’s so funny?”   Angel said with a curious look on her face.

“Nothing baby, just thinking about something.” Mike said as he slightly waved his hand to signal to her that it was nothing to worry about.

“OK.”  She said as she put down both his plate and hers.  His with eggs, hers without of course.

“Here’s the coupon section.”

“Oh sweet, thank you baby” Angel said.  They had planned on going to B.J.’s later on that day for some stuff for the house, and Angel knew those coupons would come in handy.

            Mike thought to himself, he couldn’t understand how someone loved to go grocery shopping as much as she did.  She acutely told one day that she preferred to go grocery shopping or shopping for the house more than she liked going clothes or even shoe shopping.  He thinks it might have something to do with the fact hat she is a thick girl.  She told him once that whenever she goes to the grocery store it doesn’t matter if something is going to fit or not.

            After they finished eating Mike cleared the plates and put them in the dishwasher.  That was their agreement, she would cook and he had to clean up.  As he was turning on the machine Angel headed towards the couch, she sat down with both of her legs laid out.  Chris jumped up, and Angel held him in her arms, as she flicked threw the channels to see what was on, which she new wasn’t much being that it was a Sunday. 

Mike walked towards the couch, he picked up her legs and sat down and placed her legs across his lap.  He started to caress her thigh.  He loved the way her skin felt.  To him her skin was like milk chocolate, it was almost the same color of her eyes, an amazing shade of brown.  And it felt even better; it was like touching silk almost.  He noticed it the first time he shook her hand, after he introduced himself on the train.  He didn’t say anything at the time because he thought he would come off corny, but the first time they made love, add to that it was also her first time with anyone, he had to tell her.  He told her never felt skin that soft before.

            “Oh, stop right there baby” Mike said as he saw that she was on sports center.  “I didn’t get a chance to see what happened in the game yesterday.”

            “Fine, here take the remote.  There’s nothing good on anyway.” She said as she passed him the remote.

            Mike took the remote with one hand while the other still was caressing her leg.  “Thanks.”  He said as he was watching the commenter’s talk about the game the Mets won from the day before.

            As he watched the game recap Angel laid her head on the arm rest of the chair, while she ran her fingers through Chris’ fur.  “What time you feel like leaving for BJ’S?”

            “Um, it’s almost 11:30 so I guess around 12:30, 1 maybe.”  Mike said as he looked at Angel to see if she agreed with him.

            “OK, I don’t feel like moving around right now anyway.”

            “Cool.”  Mike said as his hand slowly started to make its way up her shirt.  She wasn’t wearing any panties, so he started to lightly stroke her ass.  He could see that she was trying not to react to what he was doing and where his mind was going.  So he decided to up the ante, his hand started to move from her ass to her pussy.     He saw her lick her lips and her breathing was becoming heavier.  A slow smile came to his lips, he knew he had her.  She could try and act like she wasn’t being affected, but after being together for almost three years he knew her body then anyone, even better than her at times. Plus they both have been so busy for the past few weeks, that they haven’t had time to be with each other.  Whenever one got home the other was already asleep or on their way out to work. Mike opened her thighs a little to try and really feel her.  One of his fingers grazed her clit. 

            Angel gasped.  That was totally unexpected she thought to her self.  ‘So he thinks he can turn me on and off when ever he feels like it, well if he thinks that he has another thing coming’ she said to herself, as she looked at him over her shoulder.  With out warning Angel straddled Mike and grabbed his wrist in each of her hands over his head.  “What do you think your doing?” she asked while in a dominant position.  She knew he liked to be dominated sometimes.  Being a cop for him meant he always had to be in control of situations, but once in a while he liked to let go off that control.

            “Nothing” he said with a devilish smile on his face.

            “Oh really?” Angel said as she leaned in to kiss him, while she slowly loosed her grip on his writs.   Their tongues met and softly massaged each other.  Angel held Mike’s face in her hands, as the kiss gained intensity. Soft moans of pleasure escape their lips.  Mike ran his hands up and down her outer thighs, as he reached the bottom of her t-shirt his hands went under and began to softly caress her ass.  Mike slowly pulled away from the kiss; he looked at her like she was the only thing in the world that mattered, because to him she was the most important person in his life.  Without saying a word he motioned for Angel to lie back on the couch.  As she did, he took off her shirt.  For a moment he just sat there admiring her beautiful voluptuous body.

            “Open your legs for me baby.”  Mike said to her.  And without hesitation she did what he said.  As she opened her legs his eyes widened a bit as he looked at her soaking wet pussy. He started to breath heavier.  He licked his lips as he lowered his head in between her thighs.  With one hand he massaged and opened her lips and with the tip of his tongue he lightly licked her cilt. With the other hand he reached up and massaged her breast.

            ‘Oh god’ that was the only thing she could say, as she bit her bottom lip and threw her head back, she opened her mouth but no words could come out. His fingers were going deeper into her pussy, as his tongue was playing with her cilt.  The sensation of his wet tongue and his fingers was driving her crazy; she could feel it in her body building up desperately needing a release. Angel knew that she would cum in a matter of seconds if he kept at this pace.

            God she tasted so good.  He loved to go down on her, she tasted sweet.  He could tell that she was almost there, but he wanted to mess with her a little more.  He could she that she was close to coming, so he stopped and lightly blew on her pussy causing her to moan even louder. 

            “Oh … god … Why did you stop?  Don’t stop” she said breathlessly as she felt her whole body building up and up knowing there was going to be a release.

            Mike smiled knowing he was torturing her.  “O.k. baby I won’t stop” but Mike knew he would keep going until he knew that she had had enough. He stopped and started about 2 more times.  Laughing to him self each time he stopped.

            “Umm baby … if you stop again I will kill you.”  To make sure he couldn’t stop Angel held Mike’s head so he would not be able move until she came.

            Mike sucked on her cilt harder and fingered her pussy faster at the same time.

            “Shit … oh baby I’m coming. OH GOD, OH MY GOD OOOHHH.”  Angel came hard.  Her whole body was shaking from the intense orgasm.

            Mike came up to her face and kissed her.  He wanted her to taste how sweet she was.  “So how was that?”  He asked but judging by her orgasm he already knew the answer to that question.

            “You already know my answer, you just want to her me say it.”

            “So, just say it.”

            “Fine, I have had better.” She said, trying not to laugh.

            “Yeah I know. So have I.”

            “Really? So I guess you don’t want me to return the favor?”

            “I didn’t say that.”

            Angel just laughed at him.  They both knew that she was the best he ever had at giving him head.  Every since the first time she went down on him and almost every time since he would always tell her that no girl ever gave him head the way she did.

            Mike sat back up on the couch, while Angel straddled him.  She started to kiss his neck, and took of his t-shirt.  Angel loved Mike’s body; she always told him that he was perfect.  Mike was 6 feet tall, Spanish and covered in tattoos, and for Angel that was perfection.  She ran her hands up and down his chest, playing with his hard nipples.  Angel kissed him down his neck and chest.  She moved to her knees, as Mike spread his legs open.  Angel pulled down his basketball shorts. He wasn’t wearing any underwear, so his hard dick sprang up in Angel’s face.

            She wrapped her hand around his shaft, and slowly moved her hand up and down.  His dick got even larger in her hand.  When she got to the tip she took her tongue and licked just the tip.

            “Damn baby” He moaned.

            She removed her hand and began to swallow all of him, and she didn’t stop until he was completely inside of her mouth.

            Mike’s head fell back on the couch, his hands running through her hair, tugging at the roots. His hips began to follow the slow steady rhythm her mouth was making.  “Oh … yeah baby just like that … ummm.”  He said as he licked his lips, while she lightly grazed his dick with her teeth.

            She began to suck him harder and faster.  Angel knew he was moments from cumming.  She could fell his balls tighten in the palm of hands.  And being that neither of them has been together for a little more than a week, she knew it would be a lot.

            “Fuck, baby I’m gonna cum.” He said as he looked down at her.

            “Good” Angel said while she was vigorously moving her hand up and down his dick. “That’s what I want.”  She brought her attention back to his extremely hard dick.  Angel took her hand away, and took him inside of her mouth, sucking on him hard.  She tasted the first splash at the back of her mouth preparing her for what was to come.  

            “Aaahhh” Mike exploded in her mouth.  She gleefully swallowed all of it, she then licked all around his limp dick to make sure she got every last drop.

            “Feel better baby?” she asked still on her knees.

            “What do you think” he said while pulling her up so he could to kiss her.

           

Later that night.

            Angel and Mike were in the kitchen.  She was cooking while he stood there and watched.  Mike was trying to tell this joke he saw on TV.  Angel stood there laughing, not because he was funny, but because he was horrible at retelling stories and jokes.

            “Stop your making my stomach hurt.” Angel said barely able to breathe.  “God honey you can not tell a joke at all.”

            “What are you talking about? I got you laughing”

            “Yea because I’m laughing at your dumbass.”

            “Whatever”

            “Oh god you’re funny” Angel said smiling to herself.

            Mike dropped to his knees so he could play with Chris. A minute or two later he heard what sounded like sniffling.  He got back up and looked at Angel to see that she was crying.  “Why are you crying?” he asked with a very concerned tone in his voice. 

            “Nothing I’m fine. Really.”  Angel said wiping tears from her eyes.  She had been feeling this way for a little while, but she didn’t expect it to come out this way; especially in front of Mike.

            “Nothing.  How can you be standing there crying with nothing being wrong?”  Mike said with anger rising in his voice. He wasn’t angry that she was crying; he was upset that something was wrong and she wouldn’t tell him what it was.

She looked at him. Tears still in her eyes, smiling through them hoping it would calm him down.  “Honey, I’m telling you nothing is wrong.” And truthfully there wasn’t anything wrong

            “O.K. then just tell me why you’re crying.”

            “If I tell you’re going to look at me like I’m crazy.  Besides it’s really corny.”

            “First of all I already know how corny you are.  Plus you should know me enough by now that whatever you tell me I’m not going to look at you any different.” He said with his arms crossed in front of him, feeling a little hurt that she was scared to tell him something.

            “O.K. fine” she sighed. Taking a deep breathe, trying to find a way to tell him what she’s been feeling.  “I was crying because I’m happy”.

            “Happy?”

            “Yes”

            “You’re crying cause you’re happy?”  Mike asked with a confused look on his face.

            “See you’re looking at me like I’m crazy”

            “No this isn’t my ‘you’re crazy’ look this is my I’m confused look.   Normal people that are happy don’t usually cry.”

            “We both know that I have never been normal.”

            “That’s true”.

            “What I mean is that for probably the first time in my life I am truly happy.  I know it sounds corny, but it’s the truth.  Up until a little over three years ago I was not a happy person.  I was 24 living with my parents, school was not going the way I wanted it, and I had a job that I hated with a passion.  And most of all I never knew what it was like to love someone and be loved by that person.

“Really? So you feel happy now and that’s why you were crying”

            “Maybe happy was the wrong word.  What I feel now is real contentment with the way my life is going and the way I’m living it now.  And the truth is you’re a big part of it.  And the feelings just happened to come out in the form of tears.  You feel better now.”

            “Yea, I feel fine I was just worried as to why you were crying.  Now that you explained it I understand and I have been feeling the same too for a long time about you too.  I just never got teary about.”

            “Well you’re a boy so I would expect that from you, but if you want to I’m here for you.”  Angel laughed, with arms wide open to signal to him that he could cry on her shoulder if he wanted to.  “Besides you know how emotional I’m anyway.”

            Mike nodded know she was telling the truth.  “So you don’t want anything else to happen in you’re life right now?”

            “No. I fine with the way things are.  I finished school, got a better job one that I look forward to going to, and best of all I’m out of my parents house, and living here with you.”

            “So that’s why you live with me.  Just so you can get out of your parents house.” He said with his hands around her waist.

            “Exactly” she said as she put her arms around his neck.

            “But what about marriage and kids all that stuff.    I know you want that stuff.  You buy those bridal magazines all the time.  Are you telling me now you don’t want that?”

            “Yea, I still want all of that, and plus I buy those magazines just to look at them and see what I might want someday.  But I just don’t need that it right now.  I ‘m good with the way things are.  I don’t need you to propose to keep me happy.  It will happen when it’s time, whenever that time is.  Now if that time is tomorrow or a year from now I’m good either way.”

            “So you’re good?”

            “Yep”

            “You’re sure?”

            “Positive.  Now kiss me.”  She demanded.  And he did what she said.

            After dinner Mike was sitting on the couch watching whatever game was on.  Angel was putting on her sneakers so she could walk Chris for the night.

            “Be right back”

            “O.K. love you”

            “Love you to.”

            A half any hour later Angel was in the kitchen getting her Haggen Dazze butter pecan ice cream out of the freezer.  She walked into the living room and sat down on Mike’s lap.

            “Give me some” he said as she was just about to put the spoon in her mouth.

            “Is that how you ask?”

            “Yep” he said as he grabbed her hand and forced her to feed him.

            “Uhh, greedy”

            “Thank you” he said with a mouth full of ice cream.

            “Next time get your own.”

            “Aww come here” he pulled her close and kissed her softly on her cheek.

            “Get off” she said trying to sound annoyed, with out really being annoyed.

            “I’m sorry baby” his lips traveled down to her neck.  He stared kissing and licking the spot he knew would drive her crazy.  He stayed there for about a minute.

            “Umm … stop.  You can’t just do that whenever you wanna get away with something.”  Angel said even though her pussy was swelling and her nipples were getting harder.

            “You know you don’t want me to stop” he whispered against her neck.  Mike’s hands traveled down her neck to her 38 C cup breasts.  He teased her by gently pulling her harden nipples through her bar and shrit.

            “Umm that feels good”

            “Do you want me to stop now?” he said with a smile knowing she wouldn’t want him to.

            “Hell no”

            “I thought so” his hand moved from her breasts to go lower.  She was wearing a short denim skirt; and she was not wearing any panties.  His hand reached between her thighs to her pussy, were he could feel how wet he was making her. “I’ll take that.”  With the other hand Mike took the ice cream from her and put it on the table.

            Angel pulled up her skirt so she could straddle his lap.  As they kissed, he grabbed her ass and picked her up with her legs around his waist.  He walked towards the bedroom.  She laughed as he dropped her on the bed; he stood and bent over so she could take off his shirt.  Mike took off her shirt and pulled her skirt down; he unzipped his jeans and took them off.  A seductive smile came across her face as he crawled on top of her.

            She opened her legs, and the tip of his rock hard dick grazed her cilt.  “Ohh” she moaned.  Mike then took his dick in his hand and slowly drove it into her tight, wet and welcoming pussy.  “Umm” they both said when he was completely inside of her.

             As he began to slowly grind in and out of her, ‘Fuck’ Mike thought to him self ‘she’s still tight’.  He loved the fact that she kept it tight for him, it made the sex even better. 

            Angel’s hands were all over him as they made love to each other, Mike started to go faster and harder; “Oh god” she said.  She could feel her self getting closer to the edge. He lifted her leg so he could go deeper inside. All of a sudden she gasped and looked at him in the eyes.  He knew he hit that spot; he began to hit her G spot harder, she dug her nails into his back, holding on as he rode her over the edge.  “I’m gonna cum” Angel said breathlessly, but he kept going faster; he took one off her nipples in and tugged it with his teeth.  That was all she needed, she exploded. He could feel her orgasm around his dick.  Mike was right behind her, “OOHHH GOD” he said. She could feel him cum inside of her. He collapsed on top of her as they both tried to catch their breath.

            For a few minutes they laid together, he was still on top oh her.  They both were trying to slow their breathing down.  “Hey I have a surprise for you” Mike said as he looked her in the eyes.

            “Oh really! What is it?” she said with a curious eyebrow raised.

            “I’ll show you”.  Mike rolled off of her and went to his side table.  “Close your eyes” he said over his shoulder.

            “O.K.”

            “Alright open”

            She open her eyes to see that he was holding small velvet box, it was open and inside was a cushion cut diamond ring with a platinum band.  “Oh my god!” she said with her mouth wide open.

            “Will you marry me baby?”

            “Oh my god” was all she could say as tears fell from her eyes.

A story I wrote a few years ago

The Phone Call

It’s almost 8 o’clock and Angel is in the kitchen cooking dinner.  She waits for her boyfriend of eight years Jesse to come home from class.  As she puts the chicken in the oven she breathes heavily, as she wipes the sweat from her forehead, she ties her long dark brown hair into a bun to keep the sweat off her neck.  As she gets started on her rice she looks up at the TV. , she is watching today’s episode of Oprah that she missed earlier.  As she watches some woman crying on the show, she looks up at the time on the cable box; a worried look starts to come over her face.  She thinks to herself, he should have home by now, I hope nothing happened.

 

          A few minutes later she hears keys turning the lock of the apartment, and a smile comes to her face.  Jesse walks in the door.  As he comes in he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in.  Angel poked her head around the wall the separate’s the kitchen from the living room.  She turns to him and says “hi honey, it’s kind of late I got worried there for a sec.”  Before Jesse could answer Angel could see the stress on his face.  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

 “Nothing “Jesse says as he walks toward the kitchen table dragging his feet, he then plots down on the chair.

 “Come on don’t lie to me I can tell something happened it’s all over your face, just tell me what it is”.

 “It’s nothing to get all worried about believe me, it’s just … people”    

“What happened?”

“I get out of class tonight right, so I’m running down the block so that I could catch my train.  As I’m running down the steps I take out my metro card, I can hear the train coming in.  I swipe my card and that’s when the turnstile decides that my card isn’t good enough, so I had to do a few more times before it said I could go.  So then I run down the steps and I get stuck behind this old lady who decides that she is going to take her sweet ass time down the steps, and let’s me miss my train.  Then I have to wait another 45 minutes for another one”.  Jesse takes a deep breath as he finishes telling his story.

As she hears him telling his story Angel has a smile on her face, as she tries to hold in a laugh.  But she lets it out by accident.

  “What’s so funny?”

 Angel shakes her head unable to talk, she then laughs and points at him.

 “So my pain is funny to you?”

She can hardly speak, she can’t stop laughing.  Finally she says “no, no it’s not that at all, it’s your face”.

 “What about my face?”

 “It’s so red, when you were talking it kept getting redder and redder, you almost look like a freaking tomato.”

All Jesse could do was shake his head because he knew that she was right.

“So other than that how was the rest of your day?”

“Umm it was ok I was a little late between work and getting to class, but overall class was good”.

“Good”.

Jesse got up out of the chair feeling like he got rid some stress.  He walked over to Angel and wrapped his arms around her and gently kisses the spot on her neck that he knows drives her crazy.  “Something smells good.  What is it?” as he sniff the air like a dog sniffing around for food.

  “Your favorite garlic and herb roasted chicken with veggies.  I guess I had this sixth sense that you having a little bit of a shity day.”  Angel says to him as she looks over her shoulder at him.

He kisses her on the forehead as a thank you for thinking of him.  As Jesse looks at her in the eyes he gets the sense that something is off with her, but he just forgets it; he figures if anything is wrong she’ll tell him eventually like they always do with each other.  “So listen I’m going to change out of this” Jesse says as he tugs at the jacket of his suit.  “Then I’ll come out and set the table since you cooked. Ok.”

  “Yeah that’s fine go ahead”

As he walks down the hallway of their apartment, he wonders what that look in her eyes was about, she doesn’t get that look to often anymore, but when she does it most definitely is not a good thing.  While he begins to take of his blue dress shirt and puts on one of his white t-shirts, he keep’s telling himself that she is fine and he is just over reacting, which is something he tends to do when it came to her.  He’s been that way ever since they were kids, and he probably won’t ever stop.

         

20 minutes later they were both sitting down to eat dinner.  “So what about you?” Jesse asked.

“What about me?” Angel said with a confused look on her face.

“How was your day?”

“Oh it was fine, nothing out of the ordinary”.  Angel said to him as she looked down at her plate of food hoping he would stop there and be satisfied with her answer, but deep down she knew he wouldn’t be.  They could always tell when something was wrong with each other, even when the signs weren’t always so obvious.  It’s almost entirely due to the fact that they grew up in the group together.  They saw each other through everything; fights with other kids, foster home after foster home, abuse from foster parents, and when they witness the suicide of their best friend Melissa.  If they didn’t have each other they wouldn’t have made it out of the system in one piece.

          Angel was a small Puerto Rican girl born in the south Bronx.  Her mother was a crack addicted prostitute that threw her in the trash when she was just two months old, she never meet either of her parents, she would tell Jesse that never wanted to. She had dark hair and skin with intense blue eyes, she would always get into fights with girls that were jealousy of her of the color of her eyes, and they tell everyone that she was wearing contacts. Jesse had the some of the same problems; his parents were addicted to drugs, heroin was their drug of choice.  Like Angel, Jesse’s mom did drugs while she was pregnant with him.  He too was born in the south Bronx, but his mom didn’t throw him away, the city took him when he was just two years old.  As far as he knew his parents never tried to get him back. When he was 22 he found them, but they didn’t want to be bothered with him.  It was hard for him to make friends in the group home because he was the only white boy, but when he meet Angel to two became inseparable, even at such young ages of three and four.

          When Jesse looked at her face buried in her plate, trying not to look at him, he knew for sure that something had happened and he wasn’t going to stop until she told what was going on.  “What happened?”  He asked her trying to remain calm so she would talk to him, but his heart was starting to beat faster, and he could feel himself getting hotter by the minute.

“Nothing … I’m fine.” She said.  Facing her head down, unable to look at him, as she tried to hold back tears.

“Nothing?” Jesse said reaching for her hand, as he tried to control his voice and stay calm. 

“Baby, just tell me what happened, you should know by now that you can tell me any thing and we’ll deal with it.” His heart began to pump faster afraid of what she was going to tell him.

Angel sniffled as tears feel into her food; she took a deep breath and looked into his eyes.  She could see the worry in his eyes, and she hated it whenever he got that look, she herself even more for putting that look in his eyes herself.  “Bellevue hospital called today, they said he wants to see me.

Jesse faced dropped, he knew it was something bad, but he never expected this.  She was finally stating to have some kind of life now.  She would go weeks now sometimes even a couple months with out him coming home and finding her on the floor of the closet curled up in a ball.  Angel was doing so well.  She once, with the help of medication went a whole week with having a nightmare or a flashback.  Now this, he’s back in her life and he’ll be in Jesse’s too.

          “So did you speak to him?”

“No, it was one of the people that work there.”

“So do you know what you’re going to say?”

With tears coming down her face Angel looked at him with a confused look on her face.  “What do you mean ‘do you know what your going to say’, I told them no!”

“Are you sure about that?”

“What, are you serious? … Of I’m sure.  I don’t want to see him. I can’t understand how you off all people could ask me anything like that when it comes to him.”  Angel said to him as she got from the table, looking at him with utter confusion in her eyes. 

“Do you know why he wants to see you?”

“No and I don’t care why he wants to see me.  What? Do you want me to go see him?”

“Only if you want to.”

“Yeah and I don’t want to see him.”  Angel said as she looked at him through the tears in her eyes. “Wait! There is something you’re not telling me.”  Angel could tell that there was something that he was scared to say.  “Oh my god! You want me to see him don’t you.”

All Jesse could do was put his head down because she was right. Angel was leaning her back against the kitchen sink; her head was leaning back with her hands covering her face, shaking her head in disbelief. She couldn’t believe that he actually wanted this.  “I …  I just don’t understand this … why … why would you want that?  You of all people, you were there the entire time.  You’ve seen everything, the bruises, the broken bones; you saw how he put me in a coma.  And now you want me to go see him.” Angel said with a smirk at the end, almost laughing because what he was thinking was so outrageous it had to be a joke.

          “You’re right I was there the whole time so I know what you went through.  And the reason I think you should go see him is because I think that it would be good for you to confront him, and maybe get some answers.  Maybe you could find out why he did the things he did.”

“I know why he did the things he did.  It’s because he’s a sick fuck.  I don’t need to confront him to figure that out.”

“Baby believe me I can give two shits about him and how he feels about things, my only concern is you.  I want you to be better, and to live the life you were supposed too.  Besides didn’t your therapist suggest it would be a good idea to see him and tell him everything you’ve been holding for all these years.”  Jesse looked at her hoping she would trust him enough to know that he was doing this for her wellbeing.

          As Jesse spoke memories stared popping up in Angel’s head memories she did not want to think about.  She began to feel as though she was that little girl again, defenseless and alone; it felt as though the wall were staring to close in on her.  “NO, Stop.  I… I can’t do this.”  She yelled as more and more tears were falling down her face.  “I’m sorry I can’t do this, no … no, no, I can’t.”  She tried to walk but she couldn’t, the walls were spinning.  So she grabbed on to the counter to steady herself, but that didn’t and she fell to the floor crying uncontrollably. 

As she fell to the floor Jesse jumped out his chair and goes over to her, he knows what to do when she gets like this, it’s happened more then once before.  Jesse kneels beside her and gently puts his arms around her and rocks as he say’s to her “its o.k. if you don’t want you don’t have to.” and he gives her a soft kiss on the forehead.

 

The abuse didn’t start right away for Angel.  She was placed in his home by the city, she was five years old.  At first everything thing was great.  He was very sweet to her, he would hug when she had a bad dream; he would also walk to school everyday.  Angel started to feel safe something she had never felt before, even at such a young age.  One night about six months later he put her to bed, something he did every night.  Later after she feel asleep he came into her room and removed her sheets being careful not to wake her.  He pushed up her night gown and put his fingers between her legs.  The pain woke her up; to keep her quite he put his other hand over her mouth.  From that night forward her whole world changed.

Over the years the abuse got worse and worse. He would beat on a regular basis.  One time he locked her in the closet and forgot about her for two days, she was nine.  When he opened the door the smell of urine over powered him.  He then dragged her to the bathroom and threw her in the tub.  He made her take a bath while he watched.  She made Jesse promise not to tell anyone about what was going.  He wanted to so bad but he knew if he did she would never forgive him. 

One night when she was fifteen years old everything came to a head. To this day she can’t really remember everything that happened that night. He was home drunk as usual.  She was in the kitchen washing dishes.  He came in to the kitchen to over see what she was doing.  He felt that she was not doing it correctly.  The two of them got into an argument.  He then punched her in the face.  Angel ran into her room to page Jesse, because she could see in his eyes that something bad was going to happen.  He kicked down her door and began beat her in the head, and he throw her on the bed and ripped of her pants and underwear.  “I’m going to show how you respect a man.  You little bitch!”

One week later Angel woke up in the hospital. She could barely open her eyes, her whole face felt swollen, and her whole body was in extreme pain.  She tried to talk but only moans came out of her mouth. She heard Jesse voice talking to her telling her that she was in the hospital, and telling her that everything is going to be o.k.  A few days later the doctors told her what happened.  They told her that she was in a coma due to the head trauma she suffered.  They also told her that she had a broken arm, broken leg, broken jaw that had to wire shut, and multiple busies.  And finally they told her that she had been raped and sydomized by her foster father.  Jesse told her that he was the one that found her lying on the bed of her room covered in her own blood.  He also told her that her foster father was in jail and he wasn’t going to see her every again.

 

In Manhattan at the psyche ward of Bellevue hospital a man sits in the recreation room staring out the window, there is no one around except for an orderly and a nurse at the front desk.  The man’s name is Manuel; he has been in the hospital for almost three years, since the police found him in the subway talking and brothering people claming to have lost his daughter.  As he sits by the window he begins to talk to himself.  “Why won’t she come and see me?  I just want to see her beautiful face.  I just want to know how she’s doing. If she’s o.k.  I don’t get why she doesn’t want to see me?”  As Manuel talked and began thinking to himself his forehead started to frown, and sweat started falling from his face and neck.  “I don’t understand this; she’s my daughter, my little angel.  I love her”.  The more and more he thinks about her, the angrier and angrier he becomes.  His hands start to ball in to big fists.  He starts to breathe more heavily, and a little drool fails from his lips.  “I can’t believe that little BITCH!!! I gave her everything I had.  When she needed a home and nobody would take her crack baby ass in I did”.  As Manuel goes on the orderly begins to take notice and closely watches him hoping he doesn’t have another episode.  The nurse looks up at him, and gets his medication ready.  “You know what she is.  Disrespectful, I taught her everything. I gave her a home to live in, food, clothes, I even took her to that fancy school for smart kids.  And now when I need her she is nowhere to be found.  I bet you that little shit Jesse told her not to come.  That little fucker was always putting ideas in her head.  Matter of fact he’s the reason why they took her away from me in the first place.  I don’t know how they could take a 15 year old girl away from a father that loves her.  All we did was get into a little argument and it got out of control, and that asshole burst through the door of my house with the police, and take her out of there.  I didn’t know she wasn’t breathing I thought she was asleep.  Besides she didn’t do the dishes they way she was supposed to so I hit her, there’s nothing wrong with disciplining your child.”

 He thinks back to that night.  “Next thing I know I’m in the back of a cop car being charged with attempted murder, rape and endangering the welfare of a child.  I told them that’s BULLSHIT I didn’t hurt anyone.  But you know what that fine if that bitch doesn’t want to see me FINE, WELL I DON’T WANT TO SEE HER!!!”  Just then he jumps up out of his seat, takes his chair and picks it up and tries to throw it at the window, but before he could get the chance the tall muscular orderly grabbed the chair form behind and throws it to the ground.  As the orderly tries to calm Manuel down he signals to the nurse for more help, she gets on the loud speaker asking for more orderlies to come to the recreation room.  As they run down the hall, the nurse gets his shot ready.  “I want my daughter, please someone get my daughter here, and I have to see her.”  As he screams with tears rolling down his face, while they hold him down to keep him steady for his injection.  He finally began to calm down and they carried him to his room, he continued to ask them to call his daughter and ask her to come and see him, the nurse feels sorry for him and say’s that she’ll call.

 

Later that night at Angel’s and Jesse’s apartment, Jesse is trying to make her feel somewhat better.  He notices that Angel is starting to fall asleep; he hopes she’ll sleep through the night.  As he watches her sleep, the phone rings; he answers it being careful not to wake her up he takes the cordless phone into the living room.  “Hello?”

“Hi this is nurse Wayne from Bellevue Hospital is there an Angel Rivera there?”

“Yeah, but listen she is not going to go see him o.k. so do me a favor don’t you or anyone that works there call my house again.  You people have done enough today already.”

“I understand that, but he really wants to see her, he’s very lonely here.  He never has any visitors.”

“I don’t give a shit how lonely he is; besides that’s more than what he deservers.  She not going to go see him o.k. bye.”  He hangs up the phone and drops onto the couch, puts his head in his hands and begins to cry.

 

"I’m too busy…." I call bullshit.

"Right now in my life I just don’t have time to be in a relationship."  Once again in my life I have heard that statement, and to tell you the truth no matter how many times I have heard that statement or its variations it still hurts, even if its just a little.  But for me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The other night in bed as I replayed that conversation over and over in my head, I had what Oprah would call an AH HA moment.  I realized after years of thinking to myself " if I really like someone and I want to be with them, I’m going to make time for them, no matter how busy I claim to be, that person is going to know I want them in my life."  Back to my AH HA moment, I said to myself " what a dumb ass you are, there just not that into you idiot"  And truth be told I don’t want to use that cliche, but its true none of them really want to be with me, they just want me around for when they get lonely. The reason why I say this is simple.  If I was busy ( not like looking for your first apartment in NYC than moving into that apartment and working full time isn’t busy enough. But I digress.) the person I was seeing and was interested in seeing more of would know it.  I would make time for that person, or at the very least said person would know my interest in them through emails, texts, phone calls, hell if need be smoke signals.  Something to let that person know " hey I like you and I want to see you more, but work and whatever else I’m doing is keeping me from doing that.  But I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you." Is that to much to ask.

So what is a girl like me supposed to do? wait until you finish school in a year or two, or however long it takes you to graduate, or until shit at your job slows down.  Now if this was me four or five years ago (and hey lets be honest maybe a year ago) I would have said YES I’ll wait as long as it takes, Even though I would have no idea if he would still want to be with me when that time came. Now I say HELL to the NO, mama has no time for this bullshit.